The Negative Effects of Dishonesty: How Falsehoods Impact Trust and Self-Worth
The moment you start to lie to yourself in any way, you’ve lost.”
— Howard Thurma
As a life coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how the stories we tell ourselves, whether to shield ourselves or avoid conflicts, can slowly chip away at our self-esteem and moral fiber. Lying is an issue that not only influences our relationships with others but also significantly affects our relationship with ourselves. In this post, we will be looking at the repercussions of lying, particularly self-deception, on our sense of confidence and self-worth. We’ll also explore ways to address this issue and share perspectives from individuals who have successfully navigated the journey back to honesty and integrity.
Understanding the Impact of Lies
From my own experience in life, I’ve seen how the false stories we tell ourselves can chip away at our self-esteem and damage our moral values. These lies not only impact our interactions with others but also do great harm to how we view ourselves. There’s also the ugly effects that lying, fabrications, deceptions, avoiding the truth, and the classic “I’ll never tell a soul” can have on your relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself. Here are some insights to go beyond the lies.
“I already know what you’re saying. Shay, I don’t tell lies! I actually hate lying.” Well, that’s also a lie, and I’ve told myself the same thing. Have you ever said to yourself, “I’ll skip dessert”? Or, “I just won’t drink tonight”? The next thing you know, you have three pieces of cake and two glasses of wine swimming around your belly. It’s a lie, or at least being deceptive with yourself, if that language makes you feel better about it.
It seems like no big deal, and you couldn’t resist the urge, but your subconscious mind is listening, and it’s watching. And it usually doesn’t stop there. We often make plans to better our health, achieve career aspirations, or develop routines, only to slow our progress by procrastinating, making excuses, or avoiding them altogether. The lies become difficult to keep track of, and all of a sudden the inconsistencies that have slowly built up over time have lead to turmoil and disappointment, eroding our confidence.
A note about one of the biggest lies, omitting the truth. Some will argue that this is technically not a lie, but that’s because they know it’s wrong and it’s easier for them to wrap their own minds around it to feel better about themselves.
People have affairs without telling—Lie
People commit crime and don’t tell anyone—lie.
Not telling someone the truth about an important matter is also lying. You’re hiding the information for a reason, and it’s still a deceptive lie. These examples were a bit heavy so I could prove a point, so let’s bring it back down a notch.
Let’s use going to the gym as an example that most of us can relate to. You may have heard some of these thoughts floating around your mind when it’s time to head to the gym: “I’m too worn out,” “I’ve got a mountain of work,” or “I’ll just go tomorrow.” Our excuses can even make us feel good. The “I’m too busy” or “I need to rest to take care of my body” has an element of virtuousness to it that can justify any alternative action and makes us feel good about breaking the agreement that we had with ourselves to go to the gym. For example, a family member and I had agreed to meet at the gym. This family member was going away the following week and decided at the last minute to change their plans with the justification, ‘I’ve decided not to go to the gym so I won’t wear my body down’’. This habit of shying away from what we agreed with ourselves (or others) that we had planned to do—and in the end didn’t do it—can lead to several negative outcomes:
Unkept Promises: Every time we decide to skip the gym, we’re essentially breaking a promise we made to ourselves. This recurring pattern of not following through grinds down our self-trust and makes it more challenging for us to believe in our ability to reach our goals.
Solidified Inactivity: Making excuses to dodge the gym only hardens a pattern of inactivity. It slows or even stops our efforts to establish and sustain a routine. This isn’t the intention, but our lack of awareness of the mismatch between our goals and our thoughts keeps this cycle spinning, leading to more procrastination and avoidance.
Mounting Self-Doubt: But wait, there’s more! The more we trick ourselves into thinking we’re committed to fitness when we’re not, the more our self-doubt intensifies. We start questioning our willpower, drive, and commitment to bring about changes, eventually leading to diminished belief in ourselves.
Adverse Self-Image: Just one more! The inconsistency between what we say we’ll do and what we actually do allows a negative perception of ourselves to grow. We then start viewing ourselves as individuals who struggle with follow-through, further sabotaging our faith in ourselves and our sense of self-value. Most of these thoughts are happening in the background of your mind, but they are there and impacting your results.
Practicing self-compassion can help build resilience and promote a positive outlook. By sharing these stories, we can motivate others to start their journey toward honesty and integrity.
Deception’s Impact on Trust and Self-Worth
When we deceive others or even ourselves, we weaken the foundation of trust and self-worth that we’ve created as our identity over years or decades. While deceiving others can harm relationships and reputations, self-deception is especially harmful as it weakens our esteem and slows development in our confidence to follow through and do what we say we’ll do. When we embrace honesty and take responsibility for our words and actions, we break free from self-deception, restore trust in ourselves, and build an understanding of our own character.
Self-improvement starts with facing the truth and owning up to our words and actions. By living from a place of higher integrity, we can build a genuine, purpose-driven, and fulfilled life for ourselves and the others around us. As the saying goes, “You’re only as good as your word.”
How Lying Impacts Our Relationships with Others
Lying doesn’t only hurt our relationship with ourselves; it affects how we interact with those around us. The connections we’ve built over time with our friends, family, romantic partners, and colleagues are all built on trust. When lying becomes a habit, it can corrode these relationships and leave us isolated.
And the scenarios aren’t hard to find. Let’s take a look.
I’ve known many people over the years that are late for everything they do (you know who you are). Some are insanely late, telling others that they’ll meet their friends at six, but arrive at seven. It’s not a one-time event or even an occasional happening. It’s who they have become.
The people around them don’t ever count on these people to be on time for anything; if fact, they start to schedule around the tardiness and tell them to be there an hour early. These on-timers also know that they’ll hear some BS story about why the person was late to begin with, which only furthers the lie and deception.
Oddly enough, most of these people who are late don’t fully trust themselves in almost every area of their lives because they know they won’t follow through to some extent. This is a subconscious process that people wouldn’t recognize if you were to ask them about it.
And most never set out to tell a lie, but they did intend to leave room to deceive others, including themselves. This is done through the act of “being flexible” or the all-too-convenient act of not being fully committed to the truth.
To be totally clear, it’s not about being late. It’s about knowing full well that there was never a plan to be on-time in the first place and the others were deceived to convince them otherwise. This is all a lack of awareness of the actions and the consequences that follow.
Being late is also a poor way of treating others, though…but that’s another article.
Workplace Relationships
Dishonesty in the professional world
This is a fun one because EVERYONE who works with a peer, manager, or leader who is full of crap, absolutely knows it and most likely talks about it with the others within the business. There is no faster way to lose credibility with others than to lie in a team environment where money is on the line.
Being honest is crucial to keep your career afloat and to keep the respect of your peers. Whether it’s about meeting deadlines, delivering feedback, or presenting results, your honesty will help to build an environment of trust. When we lie or scheme to deceive our co-workers or superiors, even if it seems insignificant, it can result in:
- Loss of Credibility: Once teammates find out you’ve lied, they may question your reliability and truthfulness or accuracy in other situations, leading to a loss of credibility that can affect your career path.
- Team Dysfunction: Dishonesty can create tension and mistrust within teams, causing disruptions and crushing productivity. Oh yeah, can you say gossip? This kicks the door wide open for a toxic shot of gossip and blame from others.
- Missed Opportunities: You’ll be last in line when it comes to promotions or to take the lead on a new project if fabrications and falsehoods are a standard you live by. When these practices are flushed out in the workplace, it usually gets ugly and then people leave to get away from it.
Want to test the results of the truth? Tell someone about a time where you didn’t meet the goals of the team. Or, maybe you tried and failed at something associated to a project or task. Hell, just ask for help and see how the team turns to offer a helping hand or at least offer understanding. This goes a long way with people, because you show up as a REAL human that is capable of mistakes…just like everyone else! Just being vulnerable will add a level of trust within the relationships with others.
Romantic Relationships
This is a classic! We all know someone who has, is, or will be lying about something in their romantic lives. And maybe that someone is you?
What starts out as a little white lie to protect ourselves or our partner from a difficult truth often backfires and leads to:
Broken Trust:
Trust is the foundation of a romantic relationship. Even small lies can break it, and once trust is broken, it’s an uphill battle filled with frustration, resentment, and blame, along with any number of other feelings, to try and attempt to restore that faith in another person.
Small lies are still lies. Some people get overconfident or even reckless with the lies they tell their partners because their small or “no one will get hurt,” and it’s only a matter of time before the last drop of water bursts the dam. Even the smallest of lies impacts trust over the long term.
Emotional Distance:
Lack of honesty will cause partners to build walls to shelter themselves from the emotional trauma and lack of trust that lies create. Even small barriers can leads to breather gaps in trust and collapse genuine connection and intimacy between partners.
Increased Conflict:
Like a good argument? Operating with deception and deceit as part of your routine will take you down the path to misunderstandings and arguments, adding strain to the relationship.
Friendships
Friends should be trusted, right?
Unfortunately, we’ve all had friendships that usually end because of a lack of trust. Hell, we may have enjoyed that relationship because you never knew what to expect from that person, and that was exciting.
But as with most things, the lies grow tiresome, and it gets harder and harder to respect someone who is constantly lying. Long-lasting friendships endure because there is trust. It’s one of the cornerstones of lasting friendships, and when lies enter the equation, they can lead to:
Loss of Support: The emotional support friends can give can be one of the most important and powerful resources you’ll find in your life. Lies can erode the bond that is created between friends, and you can find yourself without one of the key foundations in your life.
Diminished Bond: Repeated lies, no matter how small, weaken the bond between friends, causing relationships to drift apart over time.
Reputational Damage: Similar to a workplace, word travels fast within a friend group and being labeled as dishonest can tarnish your reputation within your social circle. The trust factor can fade quickly when trust is questioned because of feelings of betrayal, loyalty questions, and feelings of judgment for all parties involved.
Strategies for Building Honesty and Integrity
The only way out is through—Robert Frost
If you’ve found yourself caught in a pattern of lies and deception, you can move beyond it and build a new level of trust with others, including yourself.
The path from deception to honesty requires total transparency and a strong commitment. Here are proven strategies that can grow integrity and restore trust in yourself and others:
1. Clean it Up
When you decide to come clean with your friends and others after telling a lie, whether it’s something you’ve done repeatedly or once, it shows bravery and a willingness to mend the relationship.
It’s normal to feel scared or embarrassed about owning up to the one or many lies.It’s usually best to start with the person it affects the most, you!
You can write down the circumstances and how the lie came to be. The who, what, when and where will create an awareness of how the fabrication came to life. It may take a bit of time and some self-reflection, but you’ll soon discover what it wass that sparked the lie. This understanding and acknowledgement of how it might have affected others is pivotal to overcoming future lies and to restoring trust in yourself.
Keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes, and by taking responsibility for yourself, you’ll be able to start fresh and build stronger and more authentic relationships with yourself and others.
Once you feel you have understanding that you can share about the conditions and you’re prepared to clear the air with others, choose a situation where you can build a conversation with sincerity and humbleness, expressing your regret and a genuine desire to make things right.
Accountability and transparency will be pivotal to healing relationships. Demonstrate your dedication to personal development and the importance of your relationships. This display of honesty can lead to restored trust and an authentic life, without the weight of deceit.
2. Self-Awareness
Journaling:
This is just a great habit to have regardless of your connection with lying.
The regular practice of writing down your thoughts and actions will help to identify patterns of self-deception. Specifically, reflect on the moments throughout the day where you misled yourself by denying the truth or where you slipped a lie in with another individual. This can be extremely helpful to uncover areas of your life where you may be avoiding situations or where you may be fearful of exposing the truth. Your awareness of where dishonesty is creeping into your life will help to uncover the ‘why’. It may not be obvious at first, so keep reflecting. It’s important to note that you don’t have to be a big-time liar to uncover some of the deceptions in your life. We all tend to avoid the truth of certain situations and can benefit by the practice of journaling.
3. Set realistic Goals:
It all starts with your awareness of the way you’re engaging with yourself and others. But you need to have tools to break down larger areas of focus into smaller, more manageable tasks to create a habit.
Celebrate the wins you’ve created along the way. Maybe you identified a habit where you hide the truth from others because of shame or some guilty pleasure. You can celebrate this discovery with yourself and others when you’re ready to reveal who you are and why you created the fabrication.
Celebrating these small victories will reinforce your commitment to honesty.
4. Seek Accountability
Sharing your truth or even flying your freak flag is liberating and will build the best relationships you’ll ever have. When you show up as your authentic self and act in a genuine manner, you attract the people who truly appreciate you for who you are.
This process may require leaning into a close friend or mentor that is easy to be honest with. Someone who can engage in honest conversations about your progress and setbacks. and someone who can hold you accountable and assist you in areas where you may need some support.
5. Practice self-compassion.
Be gentle with yourself when you stumble. Understand that growth is a process, and mistakes are part of learning.
Insights from Experts and Individuals
Gaining perspectives from those who have successfully embraced honesty and from professionals in the field can provide valuable insights. Here are some thoughts from interviews:
1. Personal Story of Transformation
On some level, we all tend to lie about something. Whether it’s big or small, it’s a common occurrence, and it brings different results. Here are a few of my own.
In case you don’t know, I am legally blind. It happened overnight and continued to get worse for some time. I’ve been totally blind and had all types of variations of vision loss, from bad to really bad and everywhere in-between. For years, I didn’t want people to know because I didn’t want to be judged or treated differently in any way. Keep in mind, I was already judging myself harshly about what others would say or think, which in itself is a falsehood because I truly had no idea how people would react. Also, with my specific loss of vision, I couldn’t see detail or read smaller print, but I could act out in a way that seemed very normal since I didn’t need help walking or navigating through most places.
But this was all a lie. I lied to myself about not needing help when I actually needed help. I would go to meetings with people who didn’t know me and “pretend” that I could see their presentations. Then I would ask them to email the presentations to me so I could go back to my computer and zoom in on all of the data that they just covered. I didn’t even take notes because I can’t read my own writing.
I lied to myself and said that people would reject me for who I was. This one is a good illustration because some people did reject me on some level because of my vision. But I used these few examples to tell myself with absolute certainty that “no one would ever accept me” into their lives.
This is one gigantic lie that took me years to unravel and restore truth in my life. I had to step back and be honest with myself and those who were around me so that everyone involved could make an honest decision to stay or leave the relationships. Some stayed and some left. Hell, I left relationships that I was staying in because I lied to myself and the other individual by telling myself, “I have to keep them in my life or I’ll be alone.”
The bottom line is that I never wanted to lie, and I didn’t even recognize it as a lie. I thought I was just coping. Which is just another lie!
Honesty is a journey, and we need to have tremendous grace with ourselves and others. It’s about striving to be better and live from a place of authenticity.
In my own journey, I never was free until I told the truth. And now I can honestly say that I’m pretty happy with who I am despite my challenges. Oh yeah, some days flat out stink! That’s the truth!
2. Life Coach’s Perspective
“Honesty is a journey, not a destination. It’s about striving to be better each day and holding oneself accountable,” explains Linda Brown, a life coach focused on personal development.
Lying and deception, whether directed inward or outward can seriously affect our morals, values and self respect. The way we show up for ourselves and others shape our character and shape our character. Impact our choices. When we consistently use dishonesty as a standard operation in our lives, it cause is rifts between our true selves and the image we present to the world. This disconnect not only harms our connections with others, but it also diminishes our self value making it challenging to rely on ourselves which directly impacts our own happiness. When we embrace truthfulness and strive for honest behavior we pave the way for living authentic relationships and building a stronger sense of identity. It’s never too late to heal the wounds and rebuild authentic, honest relationships tih ourselves and others. When we trust ourselves, we grow our happiness and build genuine relationships that are fulfilling.
